Love Me Still
by Lochanmor
Summary: Family gives us roots and give us wings. Angel/OC. ON HIATUS - can't find my muse with this one right now.
1. Chapter 1

Elvira Cruz was not a beautiful woman, but men seldom noticed it when caught in the heavy entrancement born from the sway of her hips the way the men in front of her were right now. Born in poverty and molded from childhood to adolescence by dark, intrinsically unclean things, she bore the ease of movement that people do when they are forced to grow up in an animalistic claw to survive. Silently confident, quick of movement but slow to engage emotionally, she was a hedonistic mix of bad things and virtuous things that fight to stay, like the greenery growing blissfully in the cracked concrete, even though stomped down by lesser men.

She danced slowly and deeply in the dimmed neon light of the club. She had spent countless nights on this stage, her movements both graceful and harsh, meant to evoke lust but almost always certainly evoking feelings of artistic satisfaction in her, moving her to a place of contentment. Dancing was not for everyone. It was not for those who didn't feel the rain but just got wet. She had always been a dancer and a creative artist, even as a child. Music had become a religious experience growing up. Her drawings were always proudly displayed in her school, and her teachers had often sat down with her to push her towards pursuing scholarships for a college of the arts. She had worked odd jobs as a middle schooler to pay for her ballet lessons. Her mother had been useless at providing anything above the bare minimum. By the time she had hit sophomore year she had become a dropout, but that was a story for another time when she had more patience with herself.

For now, she was content to move her body and get paid a high dollar for it. By the time her song wound down she was on her hands and knees collecting the money towards the end of the stage, topless, tossing her hair back as she made her way back up to scuttle back to the dressing rooms in her 5-inch heels. She counted her money proudly as she lit a cigarette, not bothering to get dressed yet even though it was the end of her shift. There was still nothing quite as satisfying as cash money and she always relished in every bit of it that she got, except when it was so low as to almost to be insulting. But having vivid memories of collecting cans to eat always seemed to push that thought out of her head in a moment of shame at her ungratefulness.

"El!' The manager called from the doorway, keeping his back turned to the room as he always did. "You got someone out there asking for you. Lapdance."

She was intrigued by this as she hadn't seen any of her regulars out there. No one had seemed overtly interested in her during her set. To be honest, she was fucking tired and ready to go home and collapse. Her childcare was lenient, but she always tried to be home by 2 AM at least. She looked at the clock despondently as it read 1:45.

"He pay already?"

Anthony held up two hundred dollar bills behind his back and she sighed as she geared back up again, putting her bra back on and the fishnet 'dress' she often wore over her lingerie. She checked her garters and made sure they were clipped back on her knee highs, looking in the mirror and fluffing her hair before applying another layer of lipstick. The man had paid for the privilege after all, the least she could do was look decent.

As late as it was to her, the club was still in full force. Men milling about, every type that you could imagine, some boisterous and some silently appraising. Some girls, as usual, out for a night with their boyfriends to prove they were lackadaisical and 'cool' enough to hang out at a strip club with no resentments. That was a shockingly common occurrence.

She averted her eyes quickly and paid little attention to the man who had waived her over, sitting in his chair, not with his hands but with the dark, gentle insistence of look and the small upward nod he gave to her. She stalked over, her back to him as she started her usual show. She had found that almost no man protested to an ass to gaze at, and she preferred it that way. Up close and personal was not her forte. When she did turn around, she kept her head turned as she danced above him. His energy was strong, almost menacing as he stayed completely still. Before long, his hands began to stray, first by tucking her hair behind her ear as though he was peering to see her face more closely. This made her almost uncomfortable enough to flinch, but she kept her composure, on high alert lest he try to touch her again, which was a big no for multiple reasons both personal and residential. A few moments later, his heavily-ringed hand cupped her face, turning her chin so that she finally had no choice but to look at him. Her breath caught in her throat and her movements stilled which succinctly caught the attention of the bodyguard who began moving towards them.

"I knew it was you." He said, his lips turned into a small smile that was the opposite of what she was sure her face looked like, some uncomfortable mixture of shock and sadness. It was him, but he was different. The young man she had known so intimately had morphed into something older, something more violent and opposing. His eyes, however, had remained the same, and she stared into the gentle brown orbs, lost, until the bodyguard reached them.

"No touching, man. You're about to get kicked out. If I have to do that, I expect you leave our girl here with a nice tip for the trouble if you ever plan to come back here again." The bodyguard warned. Angel seemed to pay little mind to the words even if they had registered, and El felt frozen, like she had suddenly lost control of her extremities. Angel gazed appreciatively back at her and the bodyguard's movements and tone became more threatening in reaction to the fact that his initial warning hadn't seemed to have bothered either of them.

The guard gripped El's arm like he was trying to pull her back at up, a weak attempt to break the moment. "You good? You want me to kick this asshole out?"

Angel was visibly aggravated by the man touching her, and she quickly pulled herself up and moved away from both of them, crossing her arms across her chest.

"I'm fine, I'm just tired." She managed, and when they both looked at her like they were waiting for some other explanation, she promptly turned on her heel and headed back to the dressing room. She undressed and got back into her street clothes quickly as the other girls milled about her, some of them noticing the shift in her energy but refusing to comment on it.

Seeing Angel Reyes again was distinctly horrible. She tried to search for a time in the past when it would have been something magical, something that set a fire burning in her again. So much had happened between that moment and now that all she felt utterly was nauseous and numb. Why was he back now, 6 years later, when nothing good could come of it? She stuffed all her money into her back and threw it across her shoulder, leaving through the back exit so quickly and noiselessly that she had not even bothered to hail the guard to walk her out like she did most nights.

Fumblingly with her keys listlessly as she approached her shitty old car, she dropped them and shrieked when Angel appeared in her view, having jogged across the parking lot towards her when he spotted her walking out.

"Jesus _Christ_ , you scared the shit out of me!" She raged, hitting him on the arm as she tried to collect herself again, ashamed of how easily spooked she was. Angel looked at her with no shame, from top to bottom. She was severely aware of the fact that she had just been grinding on him half naked, although now she was in a tank top and sweat pants, her hair pulled into a messy ponytail on top of her head. She was wary of him and looked like she wanted to bolt. All he could think about was pulling her body to him, to hug her, to grab her chin with an unshakeable determination and kiss her like he used to. But now he was 5 feet from her and she looked scared, and his energy deflated.

"Wasn't here to scare you." He said, holding his hands up in surrender. "Wasn't here for you at all. But I saw this beautiful woman up there dancing…" He said, moving closer to her. "I couldn't keep my eyes off her. I could barely think straight." She let out a shaky breath as he invaded her senses, his hand coming up as her rubbed his thumb across her bottom lip. "I just wanted a closer look, for selfish reasons. Wasn't til you were half naked above me that I realized I wasn't fucking dreaming and it really was you."

She felt like she was floating, drifting farther as he spoke. Her mind spun in magnetic circles as she closed in on a single memory that seemed to be on repeat in her mind in rapid, sickening succession. Her eyes were shut, and she let herself go back to that place; that place she had closed off a long time ago in a calculated move of self-preservation.

 _Angel wrapped his arm around her waist as they moved against each other, her back to him as the music animated their movements in some rare, lovely form of hypnosis. These were the moments, the small moments she lived for. She craved them and as long as they kept coming, she had something in life to look forward to. Something warm, something that hit in the right places. Something that kept her from the obvious destruction that seemed written for her. Their worlds could be falling apart around them, but there was this. The sun was setting silently and gloriously out the front window of Angel's childhood home. The sky cast purple and orange on the city and made something dirty into something temporarily timelessly beautiful, the same way the music pouring out of his fathers record player cast them into players of a beautiful moment that could only come naturally when two people love each other and themselves and the world around them in equal measure._

 _'_ _Let the music take your mind…_

 _Just release and you will find_

 _You're gonna fly away_

 _Glad you're going my way_

 _I love it when we're crusin together_

 _The music is played for love_

 _Cruisin is made for love…'_

 _It was a song they listened to often as they drove through the city and the neighborhoods they lived in his father's car. It had always put her at peace and held a special place in her heart, but something about this moment, now, captivated her in a way she knew she would never forget. Angel's beer sat lonely and abandoned on top of the record player as they swayed together, his hands moving down appreciatively to her hips and her body moving with a mind of its own. One hand strayed from there and up to her neck, wrapping sensually around it as she turned her head, capturing his lips in a kiss so deep they were lost even further into the carnal crooning that invaded the room…_

She was almost lost completely, but the dampness of the night and the chill that fell upon her shoulders brought her back into reality. Angel looked like he was about to kiss her, and she pushed him back suddenly, without enough force to hurt him but enough to catch him off guard. They locked eyes and she pushed passed him and fumbled with her keys to get in her car.

"El…" He started sadly, but there was a forcefulness behind his tone that she knew well. And she knew if she got caught in it there was no turning back.

"Don't fucking come around here again." She bit back, opening the door, her hair swaying riotously like the untamed look in her eyes.

The ride home was entirely uneventful, the stillness of the night in the city a curious affair that she often marveled at. The palm trees swayed silently, and even though the city was still very much alive even at this time of the night, there was a blanket of tranquility over it, the night softening the rough edges of it all. She pulled into her driveway and rested her head on her steering wheel in defeat. Peering through her inky black lashes at her house she was hard-pressed not to feel a feeling of sincere contentment and gratitude. It was nothing special, a small stucco bungalow in an old neighborhood. It was dirty and gritty with the dirt of time on it. She was just one small space in the slot of many in her neighborhood. But it was the only place she had ever called home for a significant period and she had fought for it with every bit of her and always would. Seeing her past come back tonight had shaken her up, but underneath it all she felt some strange sense of opportunity. It was both blindingly beautiful and inherently terrifying all at once.


	2. Chapter 2

She woke up in a bad mood with the light peeking through her curtains more like a testament to the inevitability of all that was impending than a morning welcome. She got out of bed, peering quietly into her daughter's room to watch her softly sleeping in the morning light before making her way to the kitchen. She side-eyed her brother who was sleeping in the chair next to the fireplace in the same position she had found him last night when she had gotten home from work. It was not necessarily uncommon to find him there with the rancid smell of cigarettes, alcohol, and syrup-sweet perfume cascading off of him in waves, but with the anxiety ridden mood she was in today- her stomach turning flips, heavy-leaden and weighing her down, she had precious little patience to deal with it today.

Walking back into the living room with a freshly brewed cup of coffee, she kicked at the leg of the chair angrily, the screeching sound and sudden movement causing him to jump slightly and rub his eyes.

"Fuck off..." He sounded from his permanent resting spot.

"Fuck you. You're in my house, show some respect."

"My bad." He replied sarcastically, rubbing his eyes and landing a harsh glare on her as he reanimated. He pulled a pack of cigarettes from his kutte and put one in his mouth before she unceremoniously smacked it to the floor before making herself comfortable on the couch. They both may have been grown ass adults, but they never shrunk from resorting to adolescent sibling antics on the regular.

Johnny Cruz was an enigma she knew well. They were close in age, her mother having gotten pregnant with her almost immediately after giving birth to him. Celia was a chronic liar, often spinning elaborate stories just for her own amusement, and so her and Coco had thought they were twins up until the third grade when a teacher pointed out that twins didn't have different birthdays. Having been one of her more harmless lies they didn't fault her for it, but the idea of being twins had ingrained in them deeply until they were so close that the idea that they didn't share the womb was almost unthinkable. They shared the same dark energy and lived in each other's head easily without the need for words. A childhood of relying on one another had cemented that into reality, and their bond was forced even further when El raised Letty until she had moved out as an adult with a child of her own.

"Thanks for relieving the sitter last night." She remarked, and Coco nodded her thanks away quickly. It didn't deserve a thank you but he knew how hard it was for his sister to accept help from anyone so he tended to brush her off quickly when the need would arise. He moved up to a sitting position and the anxiety began to come off him in waves

"I actually, uh.. I needed to talk to you about something."

The change in his tone perked her ears and she looked up at him, pulling her mind out of her own pensiveness to give him her full attention.

"What is it?"

"Mom… she's moving over here, her and Letty." He said, casting a wayward hand through his hair as he shifted uncomfortably.

El couldn't help but think that was a good thing. Just Letty's name stabbed at her heart, invoked feelings of maternal compassing and pain all at once. But glancing at her brother she could feel his anxiety and sympathized with it. Secret children were absolutely a hard weight to bear and one she knew all too well. It sliced at you in an odd way. She grabbed her brother's hand and squeezed it in solidarity. Together they held secrets for each other and it was a hard row. She hoped Coco would tell Letty the truth soon. She saw Letty heading down the same disturbing path she had walked as a teenager and it scared the shit out of her because there was precious little she could do to stop her, just like no one had been able to stop her. Well, almost no one. There was one person who had turned her around but that hadn't ended very well.

Just as she was about to speak again, her daughter opened her bedroom door and yawned sleepily down the hallway. At the sight of their guest she sprinted forward like a pitbull and threw herself at her uncle, whom she thought second only to God. Coco grabbed her up and kissed her head, and they chatted excitedly as he walked her into the kitchen with the promise of french toast.

Seeing Angel again had made her incredibly uneasy. Every night at work for the rest of the week she kept glancing around expecting to see him again, then chiding herself for being so arrogant that she thought he would come back when she told him in no uncertain terms not to fucking come back. They had a bad habit of saying things they didn't mean and the unfortunate follow through that the both of them usually listened to one another. Seeing him again, although frightening, had been somewhat cathartic. The way it feels when you get something bad over with and the relief alone is worth it. She had not seen Angel in almost 6 years, a feat within itself considering they lived in the same town and could have easily sought one another out. But they hadn't and it was because of the last moment they had alone that they had broken things off so definitely. She still remembered that night vividly. Her and Angel had been together for a year and a half. They met at a bar, she had been young and completely off the rails, turning tricks and doing porn like she had been brought up to do. She hadn't experienced closeness with anyone in the world and it had been a long hard road to her letting Angel get inside her head. They were so much alike spending time together was like some magnetic second nature that they couldn't pull away from. And Angel had loved her, had shown her what it was like to feel worthy of being loved. That love had transformed her into something else entirely. Him and Coco had become close, and when they started prospecting for the Mayans, she was not surprised but took it as a mere course of action. But that's when everything started to shift and he began to pull away from her. She had tried to understand it and wait it out but had failed miserably.

 _They were laying on a blanket in the park together when it all came crashing down. The sun was setting riotously in the sky, casting the world in beautiful hues that seemed to defy human perception. Laying on his chest, as close as she could to be with him, somehow he still felt a hundred miles away. She was still getting used to the leather that now adorned him wherever he went. She still could not recall how the conversation started but, she remembered when it finally dawned on her, and her stomach seemed to turn and twist and grow hot without her consent._

 _"Where I'm going… You don't belong there, babe."_

 _She felt like she was moving in slow motion as she pulled herself up to face him. Her throat was dry and words seemed impossible, but somehow she managed to find them._

 _"My place is with you." She contested defiantly, and something about her tone, like a scared child, made him shake his head and look away from her. He loved her. But he had never felt worthy of the things he loved, and with some deep intense underlying need to deny himself the things he wanted, he continued to push. He knew he was a piece of shit. He had made her fall in love with him, he had promised her forever. But he knew he was no good for her or even for himself. Where he was going in life, she did not deserve to be dragged along. It was easy to push the knowledge out of his head that she would have walked through fire with him if he had asked her to._

 _"You better mean what you're saying right now, Angel, because if I leave I am not coming back." She said slowly, her tones more serious than he was used to. "Is this what you want?"_

 _Sitting up and matching her position, he grabbed her hand and rubbed his thumb across the back of it._

 _"I know it's what's best, El. You'll be fine without me."_

 _His last words, 'without me', stung so deeply she fought the urge to catch her breath. Instead, she worked feverishly to pull the ring off her finger, the one piece of jewelry that had adorned her for 6 months straight that she had refused to take off. She stood up and he followed suit at a loss of what to say or do anymore._

 _"You know I'll always be there if you need me." He offered sadly, and she turned on him like a small fury, tossing the ring on the ground next to his feet._

 _"Fuck you." She spat. "You'll never fucking hear from me again."_

 _And just like that, all of the time he had ever spent getting her to trust him was out the window. She had closed off completely, a survival tactic she showed often that was not a mystery to him. He had just never dreamed he would be on the receiving end of it. He watching her walk away from him that day and even then he had the thought in the back of his mind that she would be back, he had almost counted on it. What he didn't know and what he couldn't see was that she had walked away with the burden of heavy secrets and un-shared news on her back that day..._

Saturdays were unequivocally her most treasured days of the week. It was not that she didn't work on Saturdays because she always did. It was the most lucrative night of the week. She loved this day because Mia woke up happy and they got to spend the day together and it was always an adventure no matter what they did. Nothing she had experienced in life up until this moment had been as powerful or as fulfilling as being a mother. It had been a rocky journey to where they were now, characterized by intricately flawed behavior on her part, indecision, and anger. But El knew she would not take a moment of it back, knowing what she did now, how beautiful and perfect having a daughter could be. She understood even less the actions of her own mother now. She did not begrudge her mother being a prostitute or a drunk. But how she could have encouraged her own daughter to do some of things El had done made her sick and confused. At the time, she was young, she had not known any better or any different. She had only loved her mother and could not wrap her mind around, at such a young age, that her mother did not love her the way a mother should.

Their Saturday went by quickly. They walked downtown to the carniceria to get what they would need for the month so they could go home and freeze most of it, hailing the ice cream truck in their neighborhood on the way home. El had cooked for the day, the food sitting idly and kept warm on the stove to pick at, and she had cleaned and listened to music while Mia played around the house and in the backyard. Her mother had called her to discuss their upcoming arrival on Monday and she had spoke to Letty briefly. She had not heard from Coco all week, but that was commonplace, they would sometimes go weeks without talking. Coco was a guarded individual even in the best scenarios, and viciously private in the worst. He never brought her or Mia or any of his family around the club, and often tried obviously to conceal their existence. She did not believe Angel and Coco often discussed her, at least not at length, and only for one reason- Coco had made a promise to keep her secret and keep her name out of his mouth where Angel was concerned, and Coco was fiercely loyal and never broke a promise. On that she could count on without fault. As children it had been them against the world and that notion was hard to shake even if they led separate lives now.

When 8 PM rolled around, her neighbor came over to sit with Mia like she did most nights. El paid her for it of course, but it was peanuts in regards to what she should have been paying her for it. She was such a sweet solid woman who only seemed to want to help her out, having also been a single mother, and now retired. A few weeks ago she had told her that she was moving to Fresno next month; her daughter and her husband had bought a big house with a room for her. Now she would be able to help raise her grandbabies. As happy as El was for her she only felt the gnawing anxiety of losing her childcare and having to bring in someone new who she wouldn't trust initially. Letty moving to town was a perfect scenario and she planned to proposition her with a babysitting gig almost as soon as she got in. If she was lucky she would be able to convince Celia that Letty needed to move in with her as a full time nanny, and that way she could keep Letty under watch.

Shit didn't really go sideways that day until she was on her way to work. She was smoking a cigarette, idling at a stop light when a cop rolled up behind her and flashed their lights. She groaned as she pulled over when the light turned green. She had little patience for cops and had an inherent distaste for them in general, so the stop did not go well when her attitude was out in full force. He had pulled her over for her tail light being out but she really lost her shit when he mentioned recognizing her from where she danced at. He asked for her name and when she gave it he asked if that was her real name or her stage name. When he asked her to step out of the vehicle and she told him to go fuck himself… Things had basically gone bad from there.

Now she sat in a holding cell with an icy glare etched on her face. It was nearing 3 AM and she had used her only call on Coco to tell him to come bail her out. That had been an hour ago and she was started to get pissed. This wouldn't be the first time he had bailed her out, but she had bailed him out twice as many times, and she figured he owed her one. When the guard finally called her name she was dozing off, and she snapped her head up and followed him out.

It was not Coco who waited for her out front, sitting on his bike smoking a cigarette, but Angel Reyes. She covered her bewilderment quickly and walked towards him, her hands in her pockets and her boots clicking on the pavement. Her initial anger and anxiety in having seen him the first time had edged off into some strange form of complacency. She knew she was more angry at herself than anything at his presence back in her life. He didn't even know all the reasons why. Yes, she was still slightly burned at the way things had ended, but six years was a long time and she had gotten over all that, at least on a surface level. It was what was hidden between them that made her so agitated. She knew it wasn't fair to hold that against him, so she opted for an amicable approach. She couldn't stand being in his presence with the secret she held that seemed to be unconsciously rising towards the surface.

"You looking for a ride?" He asked jokingly, smiling slightly as he tossed his cigarette aside and handed her a helmet.

"Where's Coco?"

"Tied up."

"Well, I could use a ride. Childcare is expensive and I need to get home to my daughter."

He stilled at her words and seemed to halt production on getting her on the back of his bike.

"You have a daughter?"

She nodded, rubbing her forehead and looking away from him, calculating her words intricately.

"She's six, Angel." She bit her lip, waiting for his reaction and turning away from him when her words started to dawn on him. She closed her eyes and willed away the urge to cry, feeling that it would have been the height of disrespect to him at this moment. He seemed to pace listlessly for a moment before walking up to her, grabbing her by the arms and shaking her slightly. All she could do was turn her face up to him.

" _Tell me_ you didn't fucking lie to me, El." He growled, and for all intents and purposes, he looked downright terrifying. But she knew him and she could see the pain behind his actions, pain having been the one thing that usually spurned him into emotional re activeness.

"It's not simple..." She started, but he cut her off abruptly when he let go of her violently and walked over to his bike, getting on and running a hand through his hair.

"Get on." He said harshly, his voice leaving no room for argument. She wanted to keep her feet planted and put up a fight, but she couldn't. Instead she walked over to his bike and got on behind him, her hands wrapping instinctively around his waist as she laid her head on his back. She wanted so badly not to cry but she couldn't help herself anymore now that she wasn't facing him. He could feel her shuddering behind him and crying silently, and for a moment, his anger and bewilderment faded. He grabbed her hand, and intertwined their fingers, a small moment of reprieve from the situation at hand for both of them.


	3. Chapter 3

Riding back home shouting loudly in Angel's ear to guide him was comedic despite the heaviness that hung over them. When they reached her home the drone of his bike fading quietly into nothingness overpowered the moment and she had no idea where to go from there.

"How much do I owe you? For the bail?" She clarified, shuffling through her purse.

Angel cast a steady look on her, his brow furrowing in mock disapproval as he dismissed her words. She shrugged at him. She was a penny-pincher and if he didn't want his money back, she sure as shit wasn't going to force him. He put his hands in his pockets and stared at her expectantly like he was waiting for an invitation inside. It dawned on her that he wanted answers and to see Mia and the idea of that made her lose it.

"You can't see her right now, Angel. She's sleeping." She chided.

"I just want to see her, I'm not going to wake her up." He was visibly frustrated and she seemed to remember all the things about them that she had somehow forgotten. The way they were both equally stubborn. The way Angel did not take no for an answer. The way they agreed heartily on some things, darker things, but how she often had to scold him like a child because of his careless ways (something that made no sense considering who she was). When she had been with him when she was younger, she had been so devoted to him that she always let him have the final say on things. She was a different person now, and years of independence had made it so she was not keen on anyone disagreeing with her or stepping on her toes.

"You cannot see her tonight, Angel. We have to think about this. Be careful and slow with how we introduce the two of you. You don't want to confuse her or hurt her, do you?"

"Of course not." Angel sighed. "I don't know how the fuck to do this. But you and me?" He said, stalking towards her. "You owe me some answers. I want the fucking truth."

"Fair enough." She replied, walking towards the door and fumbling with her keys, her face losing color. She felt sick. She had never put any of this shit into words and being forced to do it now felt surreal. She had no idea what to say to him but she knew she had better come up with the right words quick. It wasn't often that she felt ashamed but she felt ashamed now.

The walked into the house, the walls cast a pale pink from the candle flickering in the corner. She paid the sitter who looked suspiciously at Angel and didn't let her guard down even when El had introduced him as family. It wasn't until she noticed the way that Angel was looking at El, that flame flickering behind his eyes, that she put the pieces together and left with a small smile on her face. She had always wondered who it was that haunted El's past. She knew she was haunted by someone because anyone that spent a decent amount of time with her and had an ounce of common sense could pick up on that.

Finally alone, she was at a loss for words. Angel stared at her expectantly before tearing his gaze away and walking around her living room. Her housekeeping and decorating skills were best described as 'good enough'. It mostly just felt lovingly lived in with a scattering of things that pleased and intrigued her, but no real theme running through the home, unless slightly destitute was a theme. Angel stopped at the mantel above the fireplace where he picked up a picture frame. The picture inside was of her and Mia together at the park. El was smiling at the camera, her arms around the small girl sitting on her lap, whose hair was plucked up into a bow on top of her head, her face dirty with ice cream. He couldn't move. He felt like he couldn't breathe, like the world was shifting around him but somehow he was stuck somewhere else. She looked like him, the same devilish look he often had on her beautiful little face. El walked up behind him and looked at the picture in his hands.

"She was three in that picture." She said, brushing the stray hairs from her ponytail out of her face. "She's a lot like you, Angel. She's wild."

"What's her name?"

"Mia. Her birthday is December 8th." Angel merely nodded at the information, putting the photo back in it's place careful and running a hand down his face. He looked weary, looked all of his years, and she honestly felt bad for it. She let out a shaky breath knowing that she had to say what needed to be said even if it seemed impossible.

"When we broke up, I didn't know I was pregnant Angel. I thought that I might be but I hadn't taken a test or gone to the doctor to know for sure and I didn't want to say anything until then. It wasn't exactly something we were planning. I was… Blindsided when you cut things off with me. I still don't understand why." He seemed to wince at her words but she didn't notice. "So a couple weeks later when the pregnancy was confirmed, I couldn't stomach the idea of crawling back to you and telling you I was pregnant. The way you ended things, I thought you would just think I was looking for a reason to make you stay."

"I would've never left if I knew you were pregnant, El. You know that. You know I wouldn't have questioned that shit."

"Is that supposed to make me feel better?" She asked him angrily. And suddenly, he became aware of the fact that this woman in front of him used to be in love with him; so deeply fucking in love with him that she could accept no less than all of him. And he had tossed her aside so carelessly that she was afraid to tell him she was pregnant with his fucking child. And he knew El well enough to know that she would rather live in pain or die than crawl back to someone and humble herself. "I didn't want to tell you for a lot of reasons, Angel. Selfishly, I didn't want you to stay with me just because I was pregnant. The fucking thought alone was too painful. You didn't want us together anymore. I get that." She acquiesced calmly, throwing her hands in surrender. "I got over it eventually. I didn't want to trap you in a relationship you didn't want to be in, and I didn't want to be a single mother. I didn't want to become my mom." She took a breath, pacing around the living room as she gathered her thoughts, shaking her head.

"I made an appointment to have an abortion. I was so sure it was the right thing to do for both of us. To just move on. But I got to the appointment and I just couldn't fucking do it, so I left. I made another appointment for a week later and the same shit happened. I was too fucking weak to go through with it. And my indecision eventually led me to a place where abortion was no longer an option. I knew I had to tell you and always planned to, but it never seemed like the right time and the longer I went without telling you the more impossible it seemed. By the time she was born, I had basically just abandoned all hope in telling you. It was a stressful time in my life. I put a lot of shit on the back-burner, and I am sorry for that. I don't know what else to say..."

"I'm sorry." Angel had stared at her sadly the entire tirade, and she looked up at him in confusion. She had expected anger and bewilderment from him, not pity and understanding. He didn't look angry though. He looked hurt. "I'm sorry that I took you to that place. Where you felt like doing it alone was your best option."

Angry Angel she could deal with. This side of him was harder to navigate.

"I guess we're just a pair of sorry motherfuckers, then." She laughed, wiping a stray tear away with the back of her hand. He smiled slightly as he walked towards her. He knew none of this fixed shit, but they were so far from where they had been that he couldn't help but be appreciative. It was hard not to be angry, but knowing that anger would only keep everything idle, he chose to choke it back for now at least. He pulled her into a hug that felt oddly platonic. After embracing for a moment she looked up at him, and he couldn't help but run his thumb across her cheek where the patterned wetness made her skin glisten with a healthy glow. They stared at one another for a timeless time and she felt her heart beat quickening so she pulled away, but not before her mind drifted back to a place less complicated that they had once shared together.

 _This was a bar she frequented often, when the glow of drinking at home had lost its luster, she ventured out to society to drink with other degenerates and make a general fucking fool of herself. Being at home was often emotionally and mentally taxing and sometimes she couldn't fucking take it, the heavy responsibility of parenting a little girl that wasn't hers, the disturbing yet familiar act of interacting with her mother. So tonight she found herself here, money being no object currently as she was way far in the black and the sadistic things she had to do to earn that much were etched in her head, in her skin, in her every movement. But alcohol dulled that. She was not opposed to recreational drug use but alcohol had always been her vice of choice._

 _She was on drink four with no signs of stopping while she hovered over the jukebox, skimming through for the right song. Her musical taste was varied and eclectic at best, odd and rare at worst. She was a devoted junkie for the good stuff. She loved old soul and funk music wholeheartedly and never failed to delve into the deep tracks where that was concerned. But she was also into 80's sunshine soul shit, having worn down her mothers Prince and Chaka Khan records growing up until they no longer played right. She was starting to get annoyed at the playlist because she had scoured through a ton of Five Finger Death Punch and Nickelback and had yet to find anything good. She settled happily on the first thing she found that didn't make her roll her eyes, and Rock With You by Michael Jackson filled her senses as she leaned against the jukebox, taking a swig off her drink, eyes closed as she swayed her hips to the music._

 _When she opened her eyes again she jumped as a man stood in front of her, her drink sloshing out of the cup and she cursed as she looked back at him with pure rage._

 _"What the fuck?!" She exclaimed, wiping at her shirt, or what would be considered a shirt even though it barely covered her, a small white midriff thing and a pair of jeans having been the outfit that accompanied her after she had finished shooting for the day. The man in front of her was in a white Suicidal Tendencies shirt, cut off at the arms, and black backwards hat. He looked like a vato in every sense of the word, the chain hanging from his pants low and heavy. But it was the shirt and the combat boots that made her look him over with a little more attention. He was not a gang-banger, but he was certainly from the streets._

 _"Michael Jackson?" He asked teasingly, and she furrowed her brow._

 _"Yeah. You enjoying it?" She answered angrily, her question more of challenge for him to say one more rude thing before she went full on Hispanic on him and fucked him up verbally. He laughed, putting his hands on either side of the jukebox and pinning her in place as he got in her personal space again, something that made her fucking cringe. She did not do well with people invading her space._

 _"I'm enjoying the view of you dancing to it." He acquiesced, and she rolled her eyes. It was cheesy how fucking hard he was coming on to her. She pushed him back rudely and walked back to her table and lit a cigarette, mostly just annoyed that the song was almost over and she hadn't got to enjoy it. To her dismay he followed her back, and through his relentless and goofy personality, had managed to engage her in conversation for the next three hours. As humorous as he proved to be he seemed to have a relentless and steadfast personality and she found herself enjoying it._

She had promised Angel that he could meet Mia this weekend. She didn't want to overwhelm her and wanted time to talk to her about it and make sure that she wanted to meet him first. She had never kept him a secret, but she had talked to her about him in childlike terms. Mia seemed to be okay with the fact that he wasn't around, as El had told her that he was off on very important business and that he couldn't wait to see her. Mia had a picture of her and Angel in a picture frame next to her bed, but she rarely asked about him, and when she did she was never sad just matter-of-fact. She was glad it hadn't affected her too much. The world they lived in now seemed to be filled with one parent households so she wasn't exactly an outcast. But knowing about a dad and meeting him face to face were two very different things.

She cradled her head in her hands as she leaned up against her kitchen counter, the moonlight streaming through the window and casting everything in an other-worldly glow. It had been a long 3 years since she had last had a drink, but tonight, the craving was so harsh it left her breathless. The future felt so fucking uncertain. She knew, through Coco, what type of deep shit the club was into these days. Angel directly tied her daughter to that. And there was no stopping progress. Now that he knew, she understood without a shadow of a doubt that he was around to stay.


End file.
